If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
