Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
