I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
