MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
