Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
