Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
