he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
