It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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