the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
