i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
