she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
