She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
