The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
