yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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