i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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