Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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