Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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