wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
