I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
