every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
