Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
