where am i from again
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
