I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
