He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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