My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
