Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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