It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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