This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
