Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
