I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
