party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
