I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
