just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
