I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
