GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
