I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
