a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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