Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
