How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
