Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
