That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
