The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I believe in your delicious
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
