Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
