These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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