It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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