i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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