Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
