the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
