return my video game
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
