Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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